I rarely visit my old email address, when I do, I realize much of the email I get there has to do with breast cancer and health issues; Mercola.com, supplement companies, Medscape, PubMed, TNBCF, FORCE, Susan Love, Susan Komen....for a very long time my life revolved around breast cancer. After my mastectomy I was sitting at home recovering and frankly going bonkers, I was used to working. I had to heal from surgery, so no work, which for me was teaching fitness classes, I had nothing to do but think about CANCER...BREAST CANCER... I HAVE CANCER.... my poor family and friends, I went into research mode, there are some websites (survival rates anyone) that you should stay away from, maybe completely, but at least not that first week after the devastating news!
The oncologist appointment had not happened yet, they waited until after the pathology report came in to assign me one of those! After trying to talk to numerous people about my diagnosis and being dismissed with "God will heal you" or "You will be fine; my sister, aunt, mother, best friend, etc had cancer and she is fine, dead, disabled..." I decided to search for support online, I belonged to numerous Yahoogroups, and made good friends there! I found an inactive group and said hello, three people responded, but in a way, I knew we could have a good talk! I ended up moderating that breast cancer group after the existing leader bowed out. It grew quickly and before we knew it, there were thousands of posts a week. What a tremendous life-line for all of us.
I met some of the most courageous, generous, kind (and sometimes sad, grumpy, and world-weary) women on The Breast Cancer Survivor Network. We helped each other through a terrible time; we cried when newly diagnosed women said hello the first time, we cussed and railed at how unfair it was, and we GOT MAD because it was safe to do there. We laughed at life with no breasts and prosthetic mishaps, we cheered when someone finished treatment, we prayed A LOT when their cancer "came back", and we said heartbroken and tearful goodbyes to women we loved like sisters when their tired bodies could fight no more. It still hurts that they are no longer here. Some of us still talk, some have moved on; when we lost three beloved members in quick succession three years ago, I think we lost heart.
Facebook gained huge popularity around the same that our support group fizzled out. It has never been able to build a community like we had then, despite groups there, there is something that feels less safe on Facebook.
I thought my life would always revolve around breast cancer and researching every new miracle cure out there. If an article pops up, I read it, but I no longer feel compelled to KNOW EVERYTHING. Life moves on, and my life is so full and I am more grateful than words can convey that I am a 11 year survivor of TNBC.
I am different than I was before cancer entered my life, I can no longer teach my beloved fitness classes, for me, it was not JUST a job, but a calling. However, my poor body cannot handle the stress of those workouts now, instead of making me feel healthy, I got sick more often, I was weak and tired all the time while teaching post-cancer, it literally meant I spent the next day in bed if I taught a class the day before, it no longer improved my life, but it was so hard to cut back.
After our adoption in Ukraine; I quit teaching entirely, and now I have the energy for everyday life again! Not teaching means I am not a slender person any longer. My poor arms wiggle and jiggle, LOL, the horror of it! (that is lymphedema for the most part, but still) My abs are softer and my waist bigger, sometimes I look in the mirror and do not recognize myself! The way I think, eat, walk, sleep, etc, all changed after cancer BUT I am still alive, I may be different in body and mind and spirit, but my capacity for love has increased, I am so overly sentimental now and cry at sad movies, I used to think I had to be tough and not show emotion; now I do not care if anyone thinks I am weak because I FEEL things deeply!
My doctors thought I would not survive the year after chemo, and when I did, they thought I would be gone in 5, they checked incessantly for cancer lurking in my body, to them, to me, my being alive was a bit of a miracle.
Cancer changed my life, for better or worse, I am who I am now. I am OK. To all those survivors out there; I am so happy we are still here! To those just beginning a cancer journey; you will learn you are stronger than you ever thought possible, people who you did not think would help you, will be there for you, others may leave out of fear, love them and forgive them if you can.
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