UNDERSTAND WHY by BERNIE SIEGEL, MD

UNDERSTAND WHY by BERNIE SIEGEL, MD

Many years ago my great grandfather told me of the persecution he experienced in Russia which led him to come to this country. He said the Cossacks would pursue him at night, when he was out teaching, and slash him with their sabers. One night he was on the hill above his village with his rabbi, the Baal Shem Tov. As they looked down they could see the Cossacks riding down and killing their Jewish brethren. They might have felt the same had they seen their loved ones being taken away to become slaves in a foreign land.

My great grandfather heard the rabbi say, “I wish I were God.”

He asked, “Do you want to be God so you can change the bad into the good?”

“No, I wouldn’t change anything. I want to be God so I can understand.”

Remember our present problems are not new to mankind. Ninety percent of the natives of South America died when the explorers brought infectious diseases to their continent that they had no immunity to and forty per cent of Europeans died during plagues of the past. Man made wars and holocausts have taken millions of lives and with today’s destructive weapons we are more of a threat to each other than are infectious diseases, which we can learn to resist. The question is not, will there be difficulties and threats to our existence, but how will we deal with them and what can we learn from them. How can they become blessings to society, as a life threatening disease is to an individual, by teaching us about the meaning of our life and existence?

When I was a young boy several of my friends became seriously ill and one was hit by a car while bicycling to my house. When they all died I asked my father, “Why did God make a world where terrible things happen? Why didn’t God make a world free of diseases, accidents and problems?”

He said, “To learn lessons.” I didn’t like that answer and asked my rabbi, teacher and others. They said things like, “God knows, Why not?, Who knows?, That’s life, To bring you closer to God.” Some were honest enough to just say, “I don’t know.” This didn’t leave me feeling satisfied or enlightened. When I told my mother what they said she answered, “Nature contains the wisdom you seek. Perhaps a walk in the woods would help you to find out why. Go and ask the old lady on the hill that some call a witch. She is wise in the ways of the world.”

As I walked up the hill I saw a holly tree had fallen onto the path. As I tried to pull it aside the sharp leaves cut my hands. So I put on gloves and was able to move it and clear the path. A little further along the path I heard a noise in the bushes and saw a duck caught in the plastic from a six pack. I went over and freed the duck and watched him fly off. None of this seemed enlightening.

Further up the hill I saw five boys lying in a tangled heap in the snow. I asked them if they were playing a game and warned them the cold weather could lead to frostbite if they didn’t move. They said they were not playing but were so tangled they didn’t know which part belonged to whom and were afraid they’d break something if they moved. I removed one of the boy’s shoes, took a stick and jabbed it into his foot.

He yelled, “Ow.”

I said, “That’s your foot now move it.” I continued to jab until all the boys were separated but still no enlightenment.

“As I reached the top of the hill I saw, in front of the old woman’s cabin, a deer sprawled on the ice of a frozen pond . She kept slipping and sliding and couldn’t stand up. I went out, calmed her and then helped her off the ice by holding her up and guiding her to the shore. I expected her to run away but instead of running away she and several other deer followed me to the house. I wasn’t sure why they were following me so I ran towards the house. When I reached the porch and felt safe I turned and the deer and I looked into each others eyes before I went into the house.

I told the woman why I had come and she said, “I have been watching you walk up the hill and I think you have your answer.”

“What answer?”

“Many things happened on your walk to teach you the lessons you needed to learn. One is that emotional and physical pain are necessary or we cannot protect ourselves and our bodies. Think of why you put on gloves and how you helped those boys. Pain helps us to know and define ourselves and respond to our needs and the needs of our loved ones. You did what made sense. You helped those in front of you by doing what they needed when they needed it.

“The deer followed you to thank you, their eyes said it all, for being compassionate in their time of trouble. What you have learned is that we are here to continue God’s work. If God had made a perfect world it would be a magic trick, not creation, with no meaning or place for us to learn and create. Creation is work. We are the ones who will have to create the world you are hoping for. A world where evil is to not respond to the person with the disease or pain whether it be emotional or physical. God has given us work to do. We will still grieve when we experience losses but we will also use our pain to help us know ourselves and respond to the needs of others. That is our work as our Creator intended it to be. God wants us to know that life is a series of beginnings not endings. Just as graduations are not terminations but commencements.

“Let me tell you about people who have been my teachers. The first, a teenager sexually abused by his parents who now has AIDS. When he was about to commit suicide by jumping in front of a subway train I asked him why he didn’t kill his parents instead. He said, “I never wanted to be like them.” Love has sustained him and he is alive today.”

“Another young man with a life threatening illness said, “What is evil is not the disease. Many great creative works will come from individual suffering but what is evil is to not respond with compassion to the person with the illness.”
“An example are parents I know who because they had a young child die are improving the lives of other children and raising funds to find a cure for the disease which took their child so other children will not have to die as their child did.

“How do we turn our afflictions into blessings? How do we use them to help us complete ourselves and our work and understand the place for love, tolerance and kindness? How can we learn as Jacob did from his experience of wrestling with an angel? Justice and mercy must both be a part of how we treat those who terrorize because when you understand you can forgive and when you can forgive you do not hate and when you do not hate you are capable of loving and love is the most powerful weapon known to man. It is not an accident that we say, kill with kindness, love thine enemies and torment with tenderness.

“As Golda Meir said, "The only way to eliminate war is to love our children more than we hate our enemies." When we raise a generation of children with compassion and when parents let their children know they are loved, teachers truly educate them and not just inform them and the clergy let them know they are children of God we will have a planet made up of the family of man where our differences are used for recognition and not persecution. Words and experts cannot be our Lord. Abraham did not bargain or refuse his Lord’s request and Jesus, who was capable of performing miracles, did not jump down off the cross to impress everyone with who he was. Our Creator must be who we have faith in so we can live as Abraham and Jesus did fearing only separation from their Lord. Think of what Noah experienced too. He didn't argue with God over what was about to happen. I think he knew that living was more difficult than dying and that we are all here to learn what it is to hurt and be hurt and only then will we be perfect enough to love and be loved.

In closing let me say that as a surgeon I know something you may not; that we are all the same color inside and members of one family. To paraphrase Rabbi Carlebach, let us hope that some day all the Cains, will realize what they have done, and ask for forgiveness of the Abels they have killed. In that moment we will all rise and become one family accepting that we are here to love and be loved. Until that moment may you accept and learn from your mortality what is truly important in the time of your life. Rather than from further disasters.

It has been rough going around our house lately, maybe yours too? I have not felt like writing on our blogs. Please pray for our family and family friends.

Happy Easter

We have been busy, still fighting the flu's running through the house, Kara was the latest to succumb to the belly bug. Brian has strep, and mommy is a rashy mess from being exposed to strep too many times, still, none of this is fatal, and we will all recover soon (me in a few months, scratch, scratch)

I took these pictures a few nights ago, we had a spectacular sunset, just breathtaking, I love that part of AZ.

We are excited to have Amanda her for her first Easter, she will like be non-plussed by it, but mommy and daddy are thrilled she is here this year.

All of us wish all of you a very Happy Easter.

AZ DES-DDD-AZEIP Budget Cuts-YOU can do something!

If you are concerned about budget cuts to DDD services, please read the following... NO MORE BUDGET CUTS!

CRITICAL SERVICES ARE BEING CUT FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS WITH DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITIES AND OTHER SPECIAL HEALTH CARE NEEDS. THE AZ COMMUNITY NEEDS TO TAKE A STRONG STAND - STRENGTH IN NUMBERS - TO LET OUR GOVERNOR AND LEGISLATORS KNOW.

THIS IS NOT OKAY!

On April 10th, 2009, we want to let them know in a BIG way that we are a united front. Here's what YOU can do:

1) Get a white envelope (letter size works well)

2) On the back of the envelope, write the following message:

(You could also print & paste this message to the back of an envelope.)


This envelope represents one baby, child or adult with

disabilities who's life will be critically impacted by budget

cuts. This envelope is empty because it represents what the lives

of people who are vulnerable will be like without the support they

need to live with dignity and respect. It also represents the

emptiness that our communities will experience without the

inclusion of people with disabilities. Sad.lonely.empty. Is anyone listening?

3) Send your empty envelope to The Honorable Jan Brewer, Governor of Arizona, 1700 West Washington, Phoenix , AZ 85007 . Additionally, do another envelope for each of your District Representatives and your Senator. You can find your legislators online at www.azleg.gov .You can also find your District listed on your voter registration card.

4) Put a stamp on the empty, sealed envelope (with message on back) and

mail on April 10th

5) E-mail this message to every single person you know who cares.


It may seem that those who care about people with special needs are in the minority. It may seem like we have no voice. Let us show our elected officials that the voices of those who care for people with developmental disabilities and other health care needs are not silent and must be heard. An empty envelope will send the message that there is moral outrage over these budget cuts. It will be quiet, but clear.

IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO THIS. PEOPLE WITHOUT A VOICE ARE COUNTING ON YOU! IT IS A SMALL THING FOR EACH OF US TO DO THAT CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT!

"Never doubt that a small, group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.
Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

-Margaret Mead

Is silence golden? Trying to stay out of trouble

For three days mom was smacked down with intestinal issues, today, daddy was hit. We are keeping our fingers crossed that the girls are spared. I do not want any of the 4 to get this.

After being exposed to strep 4 times, I ended up with a flare up of my guttate psoriasis, something I never had until I wen to Ukraine and ate all the bread and dairy, doggone it, I am miserably itchy and blotchy, and grumpy. I am hoping it will go dormant and stay that way sometime soon. I cannot take the drugs the give for this due to the side effects. Light therapy, pine tar soap and oil, and prayer are all I have to use against this. Waaaaaaaaa.

The girls will have a somewhat busy week next week, with and OT eval for Meghan, and IEP review for Kara, and a ST evaluation coming up for Kara. We are waiting to hear if physical therapy is approved for Amanda. she had an evaluation last week. We have also asked for a new services coordinator, I will just say we had irreconcilable differences. No word yet about a new one, but I hope this one will fit more with our family and will turn in paperwork on a more timely basis.

Julia just completed AIMS testing for this year, a waste of time in my opinion, it doesn't show true intelligence, schools have begun to teach only for students to pass the test, the schools "grade" is dependent on how well their student body does. I wish they would do away with this ridiculous nonsense, they are just following state madate... She cannot graduate in two years unless she passes this...

Our school district is talking about eliminating fine arts from the curriculum, it already has from elementary schools for the 2009-2010 school year, even though state standards require arts be in place. Budget cuts; what the administration deems important is not theater, art, vocal and instrumental music. Wonder where the next generation of actors, and musicians, and artists will come from if they eliminate fine arts education from the schools? Ah well, who needs any of that anyway? (yes, and am being facetious) If you live in AZ and care about fine arts, the time to let your voice be heard is NOW.

whoops

I was going to my blogs to read others and I realized, I have not posted for a while. Not since the Gladys K post, and I thought, goodness, they probably think we are holed up in a safe room...we are all fine, the ruckus of late has thankfully died down in our neighborhood, maybe because a few of us keep patrol cars coming about. I am of the mind that if you sit back and do nothing, then crime can get out of hand quickly. Then again, do I want to be the neighborhood snitch? It sure is a fine line to walk. I choose safety over that concern.

Since we posted last Kara and Amanda were evaluated by a developmental pediatrician, now I had thought this would be an intense evaluation, maybe them sitting with the girls and seeing how they played, interacted, etc. It was mostly a question and answer session, just like the other evaluations we have had.

What we determined was Amanda will need autism screening in July, we will give her a few more months here, and then she will have a two hour screening to determine whether or not she has autism. The current thoughts are, yes, there is something going on there (my words, not theirs) and yes we need to make certain we cover every base. Amanda has come a long way, but she continues to withdraw, has issues with eye contact, and her self stim behaviors remain in place despite loving attention.

Then it was Kara's turn, and beyond a doubt her lack of speech needs to be addressed. We got a script for a speech evaluation, it will be turned in to the SC after we make a copy, since they seem to get lost an awful lot. Kara is 100% non-verbal with about 8 signs, not good enough for full communication. We are looking into picture cards, but we believe she will have to learn their meaning first, and that too will take some time. How much receptive language does Kara understand? We are not certain, but she follows simple instructions. We know she is pretty smart, she just cannot communicate verbally.

Julia was in Willy Wonka on Thursday and Friday, we saw the play on Friday, it was really cute and the kids did a good job. Julia was Violet's mom. Personally I would have liked to be an Oopma Loompa! That looked like fun. Julia was pretty pooped out from the intensive rehearsals, and is probably glad to have that behind her.

Our oldest sons Fred and Terry were both very ill with the flu, this year has been brutal for all of us. thankfully they are recovering.

Eric was in a mini triathlon at the U of A this past weekend. Not sure how he did yet, but I look forward to hearing about it. It is nice that at least one of our children followed me in the fitness arena, I sure do miss working out like I used to.

We got to see Brian last week, he is taking a break from plays and has more time to visit. It was really nice to have him over for Amanda's birthday.

We are still a little bummed that the U of A basketball team is out of the basketball championships. As Tom put it, they had their butts handed to them, losing by a huge margin. We were hoping they could win again, especially since the coach of 25 years; Lute Olson, is retiring this year due to health issues.

I think I am becoming Gladys Kravitz.

For the last few weeks we have had issues in our neighborhood with home and car break-ins, theft, and guns going off in the middle of the night. Things have been bad since the woman one door away disappeared Valentines Day 2008. Kay was never found, she was a retired schoolteacher and Sunday School teacher and was disabled by polio she had a a child. They found her minivan on fire down the street, but never found her. None of us can believe someone would ever want to hurt Kay, she was a very nice woman, feeding stray cats in the neighborhood, something I saw her do every morning for years, and maybe it was because of her regimented schedule that someone targeted her? or maybe she saw something she should not have?

Needless to say, I have not felt safe here since then, I keep my doors locked during the day and do not open it for anyone unless they are friends or family. At night I have trouble falling asleep, nothing new there, I am a longtime insomniac, but it has been especially bad since the gunshots became part of our evenings these past few months. I thought it was just me, but both my next door neighbors have heard them numerous times. I always call the police, and apparently my neighbors have been too. One morning at 1 AM I heard a police helicopter flying over my house, I could see the beacon shining in my back yard, talk about feeling vulnerable. I called the police and asked them if I should be concerned, they told me to stay inside and away from the windows. Oh gee thanks officer.

No one has ever been hurt, besides Kay anyway, no one ever told us who or why guns are being fired, and all of us are confused about what is happening. We vowed to watch out for one another. We do it anyway, it became a habit for Tom and I years ago when we were in the VIP program.

Tom and I were part of Volunteers in Prevention in the late 90's and early 2000, it is a Neighborhood Watch program with volunteers who drove around the neighborhood making sure everything was OK. Tom and I had the 10-2 AM shift on Saturday nights. It was a good time to talk, and sometimes the older kids would want to come with us, a no no, but they loved shining the one million candle power spotlight into the surrounding desert and watching rabbits freezing in it's light. We sometimes chased teenagers out of closed city parks. they were usually doing two things, either making out (or worse) or drinking, but we never encountered anything scary or dangerous, and quit because a control crazy gal took over running the program and she made it too hard to be part of it.

I was up near midnight last week and saw a gang of teenagers hanging out behind my house. Sophie, our Chow-Golden Retriever mix, was going crazy growling, barking, and throwing herself against the sliding door and I looked out back to see why. there were 9 kids, one talking to a person in a white sedan, just hanging out on a school night, it was 11:45. In lieu of the issues the neighborhood is having, I thought it would be prudent to call the police, I stood in the backyard looking at the kids as I dialed. They saw me on the phone and sidled away. They walked to a house 5 doors away, went inside and shut off all of the lights. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night.

I have called 911 around midnight at least 4 times in the last month, I wonder if they have me down on a list somewhere as a local lunatic? I guess Sue and Anna are on the list too then.

Please pray for our neighborhood, it is unsettling to live here right now, it was always such a good place before, at least no more dangerous than any other place, now, it does not feel safe any longer at night, during the day it is OK, plenty of people out, kids playing...

A beautiful day-some pictures of the early spring garden

Meghan loves roses as much as I do, most are in the bud stage, but these old garden roses bloom first. I got it a decade ago at a mystery bare root rose sale. It is a bluish pink rose. Meghan's alopecia is in fall out mode, half of her hair has been lost to it, thankfully the top is still growing and the bald spots are under it.

What a face huh? Meghan makes us laugh, she can make some goofy faces, and she is always laughing after she does. I think she looks confused here, even added a nervous nibble of her lower lip.

Speaking of funny faces, look at scrappy little Amanda. She loves to fold herself into compact positions. It was 90 yesterday, she is in her summer duds. Amanda turns 4 next Thursday, she looks like a 2 year old! She acts like a 8 month old, and she is so precious. Kara was napping, she is fighting a cold, I hope to get some pictures of her tomorrow. Her nose is so runny, all her pictures feature boogers. LOL She is miserable, I am so sad for her, she has been fighting a cold for a while, it waxes and wanes, but never goes away.

Another picture of the old garden rose, this one bloomed yesterday, still a dark bluish pink. It fades and becomes more variegated as the bloom ages. there is a picture of an older bloom below.

My second old garden rose, this one has smaller blooms, and is a climbing rose (probably a rambler, I have it staked to a arbor) It was another mystery rose, it looks like Blue Star, but who knows for certain. I am no expert. :o)

My pink geraniums (not a true geranium really) They are "common" flowers, but I love their vibrant blooms. This was taken on with the Macro Zoom function on my Fuji. It looks like it is floating in midair.

Another common plant in hot areas, the Lantana, this bush is over 10 years old, produces black berries that are toxic if eaten before they are ripe, so we cannot have the girls around them, not that they would go near them anyway. I do not like pruning them, the stems are full of sharp but fine hairlike thorns, they are very difficult to remove one they are in your skin. They also cause allergic reactions in most people. Rabbits hate them, so it is a good plant to use in AZ if there are lots of rabbits. Javelinas will eat anything. thankfully we do not have any of them near us, or I would not have a garden any longer.

One of the Cherubs from my non-working fountain.

An older bloom of my first mystery rose. The color is unique, the camera always changes it to more of a pink rose than it truly is. It has an unbelievable fragrance, it smells like a rose should smell. Tea roses do not come close to this fragrance!
I just could not leave Kara out of our pictures for today, so here she is, boogery nose and all. She feels better tonight, not as tired or whiny, but getting those crusty boogers off her nose is a monumental task. She hates it, fights like a bear, and ends up sobbing. Guess we will get most of it off in her bath.

A typical Kara fashion statement, she knows how to pull a top over her head, but can;t seem to get her arms in the sleeves. She walks around like this all the time. We are trying to let her self-dress. :o)

I love Kara's smile, it expresses so much joy, such a zeal for life.