Explanations

When you are fighting depression, for me post-adoption related, sometimes it only takes one thing to throw you out of your equilibrium. It was a series of things that made it difficult for me to keep coping with life changes.

My very good friend lost her son suddenly, and my heart is breaking for her and I feel helpless, I don't know how to help her. What is more, I miss her terribly and feel selfish that I want to have her to talk to when she is in so much pain right now.

We had 5 cats 2 weeks ago, now we have 3. Our kitten was killed by our neighbors dog, she told me this just this past Friday, poor Anna was crying, she has a Chow who is a cat hater, she has killed many cats (the kitten went into their yard), and our beautiful El Guapo just disappeared a week ago. He and the kitten were the only cats who loved to sit with us, the others are neurotic. I am so sad about losing more of our furry family members. Yes, they are indoor-outdoor cats, and yes, we take that chance by letting them outside, but it does not mean we loved them any less.

Yesterday came the news from another good friend. She is a fellow cancer survivor and stage 4, she has been receiving a variety of chemo regimens to keep her lung mets from spreading but her chemo failed and she is moving on to another drug combination.

She is a mother of 4 children, an American woman living in another country away from her extended family and I love her dearly. My heart just broke yesterday. She is a fabulous, loving, caring and very special woman, she does not deserve this pain. It is very easy for folks who have not had cancer to say things that make themselves feel better. Cancer is random, it does not play favorites and I have lost many people I love to it. She is a fighter, I have no reason to believe that she won't be around a really long time, still, her news was upsetting.

I still cannot stop crying, it is not just her, but so many other things that make me sad. Indifference, cruelty, and rude behavior from people who should know better and yet they do it anyway. Dealing with bureaucrats as I try to find help for Amanda (testing is nearly $1,000, not covered by insurance) and I am at my wits end.

Weeks ago I shared our fears about our newest daughter, most people I care about completely ignored our pain, it hurts to be treated this way, especially when dealing with so much alone. Does it change our love for Amanda, no, she is such a special little girl, truly an angel baby, but we should have known about her issues before we adopted her, Estonia is supposed to be a good country to adopt from. We are grieving the little girl we were told we were bringing home and it is terribly hard to do without any support. you know what we hear? "You take that chance when you adopt" well, I suppose we do, but how does that help our pain?

I felt like I should close our adoption blogs to everyone but people who truly wanted to read them, to withdraw somewhat from being "out there" and focus more on my family and dealing with post adoption depression issues. In dealing with helping Amanda come out of the protective shell she has encased herself in.

I hope that explains my mindset right now. I want to thank all my friends and even folks I do not know coming forward and offering their support, you mean the world to me, to us. If you could add us to your prayers, we would appreciate it.